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Friday, September 17, 2010

Day 17 ~ The person who caused you a lot of pain

N,

In the history of my heart (it's not very long), the story of you and me is the longest and saddest. For is there anything more sad and painful to a young heart than unrequited love? I think not. For that is what I have endured in the long years I've known you. You were the greatest love of my young life. You were, too, the cause of my greatest heartbreak. You were my world back then. With all the eagerness and recklessness of youth, I fell for you. And of course, after the fall is the crash, for you weren't really inclined to catch me then, or ever, for that matter. Except maybe those times that you needed me, but not for the reasons I dreamed to be needed.  At those moments, you’d use your dubious charm and  your hold on my stupid heart and as I was so foolishly in love with you, I'd do everything I can to make you happy. That was my role in your life. I was always there for you and you took advantage of that. It's not entirely your fault because I let you. But the way you overlooked my feelings and disregarded the love that is behind everything I did for you, that has hurt me deeply. It felt like a great injustice that though I was the one who cared for you the most, I was not at all important to you. Oh, you told me that I was, that you loved me, too, in some measure. I don't know if you wanted me to feel better because of that. But it only broke my heart more, for I realized that that is all I had of you.

In the many years that I have pined for you, with much tears and agony, all I got in the end is a letter from you full of thanks and sentiments that the two of us wouldn’t have worked, that you would have only hurt me. That was your goodbye as we went separate ways for a while. Of course, you were right. A relationship (if it was even that) that is unbalanced as ours was, someone was only bound to get hurt. Sadly, I was that someone. I was unhappy for so long because of you, but that was my misfortune because I chose to love you - someone who could not or will not love me back. I have accepted that and learned to live with it. But it took a long time to finally get over it. It took time and being away from you to finally learn to let go of a love that would never be.

It's been so long since that time, and in hindsight, I can now only smile at all those memories. Many times before I've wondered if what I felt for you was really true, or was it just a product of my over-active imagination and my love for drama back then. I can’t be sure. But what I'm sure of is that I did feel all of those: the love, the pain, the hope and the agony. There's no more of that for me now, not even bitterness or anger. It was all lessons learned and part of growing up. And you, you'll always be a bittersweet memory. I don't think I can ever think of you as just a guy I once knew. You would always hold a tiny part of my heart, and of course, you'll be in the stories I'd tell my daughters someday when they ask about being young and in love.

~ V

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